(Book Excerpt 4) How to Live Well Despite Capitalist Patriarchy by Trista Hendren

Evaluate All Relationships

Your most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. So, make sure you are treating yourself well and keeping the promises you make. If you don’t have that down pretty well, any other relationship will be a bit challenging. You can’t live well if you have a guilty conscience. So, do your best to live with integrity, following the principles you believe in. If you know you are betraying yourself in an area, work on amending that.Patricia Lynn Reilly has an excellent book about making vows to your self—which I strongly recommend if you are feeling weak in this area.28

The second most critical relationship is that with your partner, if you have one. Make sure you are spending your life with someone you want to spend it with. If you hate your partner, you are going to hate your life. Nothing else can make up for a shitty partner.


It is my belief that we should live with people who make our lives easier, not more difficult. Most women are taught that their worth is in being partnered with someone who will make them “whole.” The truth is that a lot of these guys29 just end up depleting us further and we become far less than even half a person.

Women are often groomed to set the bar too low. Looking back at some of my previous relationships, I can see how far I have come. I would never put up with the nonsense I did in my earlier years.

This quote from Don Miguel Ruiz really helped me to see things more clearly.

“How can someone tell you, ‘I love you,’ and then mistreat you and abuse you, humiliate you, and disrespect you? That person may claim to love you, but is it really love? If we love, we want the best for those we love.”30

Life is hard enough as it is—you don’t need your primary relationship to make it harder. So, take a good look at your partner, and determine honestly whether the relationship can be repaired if it is lacking or broken.31

“If it works, keep going. If it doesn’t work, then do yourself and your partner a favor: walk way; let her go. Don’t be selfish. Give your partner the opportunity to find what she really wants, and at the same time, give yourself the opportunity. If it’s not going to work, it is better to look in a different direction. If you cannot love your partner the way she is, someone else can love her just as she is. Don’t waste your time, and don’t waste your partner’s time. This is respect.”32

Next, begin to look at your other relationships with family and friends. Be relentless. No one is off the table, except for minor children—not your patriarchal father who only loves you when you do as you are told or childhood best friend who not-so-secretly likes you better when times are hard. Sometimes healing involves walking away—sometimes it is working through things. You will know what is right when you listen to your gut.

Don’t spend one minute of your precious life-energy on anyone who doesn’t deserve it. I could write several books on all the time I have wasted on assholes—but then I would just be wasting more of my life!

The best thing to do in this situation is to walk away and learn how to live an amazing life without them. There are some people who literally get off on causing other people pain. Don’t feed into their energy. As bell hooks wrote, “All too often women believe it is a sign of commitment, an expression of love, to endure unkindness or cruelty, to forgive and forget. In actuality, when we love rightly we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm’s way.”[i]

If someone does not treat you like the Queen that you are, move along. No explanation necessary.


[i] hooks, bell. All About Love: New Visions. William Morrow; 1999.

Find more info on this book here.

(Meet Mago Contributor) Trista Hendren.


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