[Editor’s Note: This anthology was published by Girl God Books (2022).]
“Ceremonies of Consent
and a Declaration of Embarking” by Molly Remer
I stood still for a moment,
between bramble and wing,
sunlight on my eyelids
a changing woman
on a changing land
beneath a changing sky…
Perimenopause asks us to make space for dichotomy, not just for our changing bodies, but also with respect to life. There is a lot of room for “and” at this life stage, just as with any other stage of a woman’s life. Perimenopause is a natural, healthy process full of opportunities for transformation and it can be difficult, stressful and confusing. It is important to remember that normal and healthy isn’t synonymous only with “amazing and wonderful.” Life itself is a normal, healthy process and it can often be painful, confusing, overwhelming and stressful. Pregnancy is a normal, healthy process and it can be challenging, confusing, and with few exceptions, physically changes you forever. Breastfeeding is a normal, healthy process and it can be mysterious, confusing, annoying, and frustrating. Parenting is a normal, healthy process and it can involve the complete deconstruction of personal identity, reforming you into something new in a way that feels painful and soul-destroying while simultaneously being illuminating and soul-evolving. Each of these things can involve distress and the need for help, modification, comfort, and change, as well as still holding the seeds of potential, positive change, and “rebirth” into the next phase of life. Much of life involves both/and, not either/or.
The book The Seven Sacred Rites of Menopause explains that perimenopause is a prolonged state of imbalance, in which body, mind, and soul work to restabilize, find a new equilibrium, and give birth to a new (or recovered!) self. I find it helpful to see, honor, and hold that imbalance as normal and healthy. Perhaps we can lean gently into the imbalance rather than trying to fix it or ourselves. It is part of this becoming, it does not need to be fixed, rushed, or solved. The hormonal shifts of perimenopause create a physical, emotional, and mental between state of transition and change. This time period is not unlike a “second puberty” or “second spring” in which we eventually return to our most essential self, sovereign and powerful, our wisdom in our hands and starlight in our eyes.
This is our undoing.
Unpicking
unraveling
detangling
unsnarling
unraveling loosening
smoothing
freeing ourselves
from the knots we’ve made around ourselves.
laying down the chains we’ve gathered
until we are
nakedly alive
alone
unbound.
In the book The Seven Sacred Rites of Menopause, author Kristi Meisenbach Boylan draws upon the metaphor of crossing to Avalon as an exploration of what it means to journey into menopause. The journey begins with summoning the barge in perimenopause (at around 40 years old) and concludes with having successfully navigated the misty and choppy waters to the isle of Avalon and the great rite of menopause (at around 52 years old). The process of passing through the Seven Rites is a journey to recover your lost spirit, after which you then take the barge back across the lake and return to the “outer world” again. I think perhaps some women (me included) at this life stage feel concerned that if they draw inward, if they seek solitude and reflection, if they uproot and weed out some of the distractions and unnecessary tasks from their lives, they might be neglecting, overlooking, or letting other people down. In the framework of passing through the Rites of menopause, Boylan asserts that if we are able to give ourselves this time to journey within, we will then be ready to re-emerge into the broader world again—with gifts to offer, wisdom to share, and service to give.
“Finally, I began to write about becoming an older woman and the trepidation it stirred. The small, telling ‘betrayals’ of my body. The stalled, eerie stillness in my writing, accompanied by an ache for some unlived destiny. I wrote about the raw, unsettled feelings coursing through me, the need to divest and relocate, the urge to radically simplify and distill life into an unknown meaning… Finally, I wrote a series of questions: Is there an odyssey the female soul longs to make at the approach of fifty—one that has been blurred and lost within a culture awesomely alienated from the soul? If so, what sort of journey would that be? Where would it take me?”[1]
“Simone de Beauvoir was of the opinion that if, at menopause, a woman gives her ‘consent’ to growing older, she is changed into a ‘different being,’ one who is more herself, one who is complete. I get to my feet and climb down the temple steps, picking my way through the cactus, wondering why we do not have ceremonies of consent.”
—Sue Monk Kidd, Traveling with Pomegranates (pages 6 and 73)
I came across Sue Monk Kidd’s Traveling with Pomegranates memoir specifically because another woman referred me to it with the reference of “ceremonies of consent” and I was captivated by the idea that consenting to menopause is a part of the journey and an act of power in a world that conspires to hide the bodies, lives, stories, and wisdom of middle-aged women. I combined this concept with Boylan’s metaphor to create a ritual outline for you: a ceremony of consent and a declaration of embarking. Different people connect to metaphors in different ways, so you may wish to hold this complete ceremony for yourself, or, you may wish to explore only one aspect of it—a simple statement of declaration, for example—or it may be material you set aside to engage with at a later time. It is up to you!
“But that is what a woman must do when she pulls down the mists around her. She must wrap herself up in her own skin to become the caterpillar in the cocoon. And this securing herself up in her own skin is what facilitates the menopausal process by temporarily closing the veil between her and the outer world.”
—Kristi Boylan, The Seven Rites of Menopause
Sink my roots into the rich soil
of brave stillness,
drop my heart right down
into the center of everything
where the light of listening is aglow
and the taste of joy is on my tongue…
Summoning the Barge Rite Outline:
Find a private place, ideally near a body of water, but it can even be in your own backyard. Be barefoot, if possible, so your feet can feel the ground beneath you. Also have a glass of water, juice, or tea available.
Before beginning, make a list of women (people) who have inspired you:
Ancestors
Friends
Authors
Artists
Family
Historical figures
Archetypes
Call Your Spirit Back:
Standing by the body of water (or in your own backyard or living room): re-call yourself, re-call your fragments, gather your resources, your reserves, and your strengths to you tenderly, with courage and with love.
If you need more guidance in calling your spirit back, here is an expanded method:
Stand upright with your arms at your sides, palms open. Center yourself in your body, in this time and place, by humming gently as many times as you wish. Visualize your energy field, your spirit or aura. Where is it? What color is it? Where is it extending? Is it reaching into the fields of another person, place, or group? Is it imbalanced or disrupted? Is it vibrant or thinning? Whole or full of holes? Call your spirit in, call your spirit back, from hubbub and bustle and needs and time pressure and to-do’s.
Say Aloud:
I call my spirit back
I call my heart
I call my soul
I call my spirit back
I am centered
I am whole.
Put one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly and hum several times again, visualizing your energetic field, your spirit, as whole and completely connected to/surrounding you.
Give Consent:
Then, when you feel settled into your body, into a sensation of wholeness, let the reality of approaching menopause sink into you. And, in this moment, give consent, out loud, for the process to unfold. You may wish to give consent, verbally, three times.
You may wish to accompany your consent with sound or movement.
Call upon your ancestors and the women from your list who have inspired you, past or present, living or not. Call upon your inner wise woman, the wise guide within, your inner crone and ask them to witness your declaration of embarking.
Symbolically “summon the barge”: State out loud that you are summoning the barge, and perhaps even take several steps forward (toward the body of water if there is one).
You may wish to say something like:
This is my declaration of embarking,
as witnessed by my ancestors,
by the wise women who know this path,
by the elements that surround me,
by the courage of my own heart,
by the fortitude of my own spirit,
by the longing of my own soul.
I summon the barge,
I give my consent for this journey,
I set forth.
May I be re-sourced well and wisely,
May I be renewed, rebuilt, and restored,
May I trust my own inner wholeness
To guide the way,
May I embrace the fullness of who I am
May I be open to new discoveries
May I bear witness to change,
Expansion, growth.
May I discover the unexplored terrain of my own being
And may I reach fruitful, enchanted ground.
Seal your rite with a long drink of your water, juice, or tea. You may wish to offer yourself a blessing or affirmation as you drink.
May I be steady,
may I be willing,
may I be bold,
may I walk with patience,
tenderness, grace,
and ferocious determination.
Write, journal, dance, move, pray, sing… however you feel moved to respond to your rite.
It is done.
Additional journal or discussion if working with a group:
- What would happen if you stopped trying to fix yourself and instead treated yourself/your life stage as simply normal?
- Does it feel liberating to consider a “second spring” in your life, to think about a “return” to your most core self and to hormonal stability of an earlier phase of your life as you transition into menopause? (Reminder: It is okay if it does not feel liberating—there is no “right way”!)
- What might you be trying to rush through or force that really just needs time?
- What leaps are you taking in the dark?
- Does the idea of “living as a form of not being sure” feel liberating or terrifying to you?
- If you were to think of your life as a garden, what would you see? What needs tending? What is flourishing and what has withered?
- What “weeds” are you clearing from your life? What are you releasing?
- Do you feel a “knot” in yourself? What are you undoing? Do you want to undo any knots in your life?
[1] Boylan, Kristi The Seven Rites of Menopause. Santa Monica Press; 2000.