There is a space, a gap, a chasm, a schism, a rift between my body and my eyes that perceive it. Like a cleft membrane, as though there were a mismatch between the formthat my acculturated eyes can narrowly receive,and the actual rugged peripheries and contours of my real life body.And in the space between a great grief dwells, unmet and in search of asylum. This space is filled with the wasteland that says I could never be enough,that I always was and ever will be, too big,too soft, too textured,not quite right, not deservedly worthy.
When I look with these eyes, they see through the lens of this judgement,this critical imposition,punitive imperative,through the lens of this brittle world,and it leaves the animal of my bodyin perpetual isolation,forever unseen for all the beauty she expresses,all the generosity she exudes. There is a chasm of unlovedness,between the body and the eye,and I see now it has always been the eye that does not belong,the eye that imposes the exileon the perfectly imperfect body,that has only ever wanted love,only ever wanted to belong to itself,nothing more,just to belong to its own self.But every time the eyes look,they shame and demean,all they ever seeis the not-good-enoughness.
I feel a whisper now,a longing to integrate the space between the eye and the body,I want to fill that space with silence,and in the stillness,I want to fill it with the presence of love.I want to bridge that gulf, with a gentle acceptance, a homely comfort,a tender generosity of heart.I want to retrieve my gaze from the worldand bring it home to my body, home to the animal of Earth.I want my eyes to belong to my soul,like a baby belongs to its mother,fiercely protectedby eyes that see only with love and the great responsibility of being a shelter from the harshness of the world.My beautiful body has been torn to shreds with the sharp edge of every mirror,or happened upon reflection. My eyes inflicting crueltywith razor sharp dexterity,amputating myself from belonging.With every gaze, a violence done.
I want my eyes and my body to curl up together,to wrap themselves up tight,like my dog, when she curls around herself to sleep.I want them to be together, gently,for all the time that it might take for the world inside them to die,for the space between themto still and to close,to mend and to heal,for friendship to forge,so that finally they can belong againtogether in the one skin,singing the one song that says,you are enough,and you are home,and to know what a riotous blessing it isto be home in a body. To be home on the earth,in love.
(Meet Mago Contributor) Lucy Pierce.
An Animal of Earth…. this is a stunning piece of writing – I could feel every word – and the overflowing grief of Woman’s anguish… this piece needs to be read again and again for nuance and beauty.