Samhain for Celts, Kekri for Finns, El Dia de Muertos for Mexicans, All Saints Day for Christians… Names of the celebration change but they all refer to this time of year when the veil between us and the dead is thin.
Of all the past relatives, my thoughts are oddly with my great aunt Eva, who died before I was born. She lived next to my grandmother’s household, and never had children herself nor got married.
When I was a child, I felt sorry for her life without own family, but after I’ve had a childless life myself, I’ve understood that perhaps she was happy.
She loved animals, had a job outside of home, and invested her single woman’s salary in beautiful design furniture. None of this was a typical thing to do in the Finnish countryside at that time.
I have one of her chairs now, and when sitting in it I think of her. She isn’t, as well as I won’t, be a biological foremother for anyone, but nevertheless our memory may stay here after us.
I didn’t choose the childless life myself. In my 30’s, I was desperately trying to get pregnant, and when that didn’t happen I felt myself a complete failure as a woman.
However, I let the pain pass, and instead decided to cherish the freedom that a life alone can bring. Today only a distant echo of grief and occasional what-if-thoughts of a daughter remind me of childlessness.
I was pregnant once. The baby wasn’t born, but she made me and my husband establish a home together, and I got two beautiful stepsons. I’m grateful for that, and I light a candle for her too.
Aunt Eva who I never met, and dear someone who didn’t even exist: I wish you both peace there on the other side – and also for myself and all of us on this.
The painting is inspired by De Kinderboom, a myth from 14th century Amsterdam. According to the story, in Volewijck, next to the gallows field, there grew a silvery tree where children’ s souls lived.
Couples who wanted a child had to row there, to the criminal graveyard, during the night, with lantern light only to pick one from the tree for themselves.
As another childless woman, I thank you for this charming essay and artwork.