Stop Following the Damned Rules
Simone de Beauvoir wrote that, “Man enjoys the advantage of having a God endorse the code he writes… fear of God keeps women in their place.” How convenient for men!Even our natural rhythms have been turned upside down and inside out—so that most of us feel like no matter what we do, it isn’t good enough.
The first rule to living well under Capitalist Patriarchy is that there are no rules. In fact, you may be best served by throwing out every rule you have been taught, one-by-one.
That might sound crazy, but who made up all these rules—and who benefits from them?
As Kathleen Skott-Myhre wrote, even time itself has been manipulated.
“Without a doubt, capitalism, as it has evolved, has fundamentally altered our sense of time. From restructuring the cyclical patterns of agricultural time into the segmented minutes and hours of industrial production, we have now moved into the indeterminate abstract temporality of virtual global capitalism. Capitalism has fully abstracted time into what Deleuze discusses as a world of infinite deferral in which one is never capable of arriving anywhere or fully achieving anything. In such a world, we are subjected to a never regime of self-improvement and training in which we are never trulyadequate to the ever-shifting system of control and domination.”13
Guess what? You can make your own rules—and create a life that works for you. You don’t have to work around the clock taking care of everybody else or endlessly trying to improve your ‘flaws.’ You are already enough, just as you are.
If you don’t believe me, try it. Break one rule at a time and make a new way for yourself.
For instance, you may think you have to get up before your family does or the world will crash.
Unless you are single and your children are very small, it won’t![i]
I realized a few years ago that I need more sleep than my husband, but I had been in the habit of doing everything for both my kids since birth as a mostly single mom.
I had to start sleeping more after my tumor was removed, so I did. I slept in and everything was fine! My kids learned how to make their own lunches and find their way to school—and my husband took care of it when they needed help with something.
I’m better now, but I still sleep in longer than I used to allow myself to.
The thing is, it is human nature to be lazy and to let other people do things for you if they are ‘willing’ to. As women, we are socialized from birth to give TOO MUCH of ourselves to EVERYONE. And so, we end up doing EVERYTHING—and become sick, tired, frazzled and resentful.
Just stop.
There are very few things in this world that will collapse if you don’t attend to them personally.
If you can’t stop for a day, or a week or a month—just try to spend 5 minutes each morning to take a moment for yourself and think.
What do I need to accomplish today?
What is MY mission in this world?
What is MY passion?
Who am I?
Women must begin to realize how much has been stolen from us by patriarchy. We have every right to reclaim all of it.No one is going to suddenly hand it back to us, individually or collectively. We must begin to take back portions for ourselves—little by little—until all of it is reclaimed. Every time a woman does so, she inspires more females to do so… eventually creating a tsunami of change.
And, remember something else… If you have a daughter, she is watching you—and so are your sons. That alone is enough to make some of us stop and think. I know it did for me. Whatever toxic patriarchal patterns you manage to break, you will save your daughter from having to do later. Every time my sons sigh with annoyance about having to do a chore, I think about their future partnerships. If you have children, halting the patriarchal practice of treating boys like ‘gods’ is one of your most important contributions to the world.
It is time for a re-ordering of the world as we know it—built on the foundations of love and joy. As Monica Sjöö and Barbara Mor wrote:
“The patriarchal God has only one commandment:
Punish life for being what it is.
The Goddess also has only one commandment:
Love life, for it is what it is.”14
Find more info on this book here.
(Meet Mago Contributor) Trista Hendren.
[i] Suggestions on this in the Single Mothers Speak on Patriarchy anthology.