Some time ago I found my old diaries and read them all through. It was both fascinating and an embarrassing exercise to look at the life as I had wanted to record it.
I call the diary as The Book of Bad Days just to emphasize that I didn’t write about my life as a whole but mostly about the pain of it.
I started the diary when I was only 9 yrs old, so there’s quite a pile of them. In all books, one repeating theme appears year after year: I feel lonely but I can’t stand being with people. The Hider, the Rabbit Lady, the Great Hermit is born from that paradox.
When I was a young adult, the Hider in me was manifesting herself as terrible shyness. All social situations were uncomfortable to me, and I was afraid I could never find a partner, friends or live a normal life whatsoever.
I’m sad to say that I found alcohol to medicate myself to get rid of this sensitivity. When I was drunk, it was possible to go to parties, bars or dates. For work I chose to be a researcher, which allowed me to spend days mostly alone.
It was such a pleasant surprise to learn about Ixchel the Maya goddess of midwifery, pregnancy, medicine, moon and the textile arts. She was the wife of the sun god Ak Kin, and was often represented accompanied by a rabbit. I didn’t make the Hider based on her, but there’s a certain resemblance in these ladies.
Ixchel has taught me that everything in life goes in cycles. There’s time for winter and time for summer, time to gather energy alone, and time to go to people and enjoy the social aspects of life. I understand now that I need quiet times to protect myself, but sensitivity can also be a super power.
It can be a difficult trait in the Western world ruled by outgoing extroverts, but a sensitive person witnesses more in each situation, and may find treasures in the smallest details of her surroundings.
If you are sensitive enough, you can understand animals talking and hear the grass growing. Nothing is hidden from you, and all creatures become your friends.
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The Hider is from my art series called the Great Ladies. It was originally shadow work to recover from burnout, and turned out to be a truly magical project for me. I keep finding ancient goddesses and archetypes that resemble my ladies.
There’s thirteen of them at the moment. I usually start the work by ink painting and proceed to ceramic sculptures. Casted statues and prints from the paintings are available for sale.
