[Editor’s Note: This anthology was published by Girl God Books (2022).]
“Phantom Queen Sovereignty: My Lifelong Journey of Initiation” by Kay Louise Aldred
The Morrigan – Dark Goddess – Death Walker Crone – is the Queen of the team of Goddess archetypes I lean into and call upon within my mind, body and heart for guidance and empowerment. Her presence was activated within me during my teenage years – when moods, emotions and somatic sensations were erratic and unstable. She was the great initiatory guide who moved me through the mayhem of adolescence into womanhood.
I needed her presence in the commotion – strong, fearless and comfortable with darkness and death. Addiction and mental health challenges amongst the adults in my family and life meant I walked through shadowlands in my day-to-day life. There was no comfort externally or internally. I had no human navigating me through the traumatic swamp of my home environment and no compassionate, warm, human showing up to coregulate with me and move me through the internal landscape of chaos and increasingly mounting and stored trauma.
Inner and outer life was dark. I inhabited the underworld all day, every day.
Morrigan started the mentorship with an armouring. There was no other option. I had to become one with what I was fighting in order to conquer it. And so, the colour black called me. Black feathers. Black eye liner. Black DM boots. Long black coat. Black lace. I started to befriend the dark. She was guiding me to surrender, shapeshift into and then befriend the gloom. To become what I was resisting and feared.
Moving into the archetype of Goth – death walker – was seductive and powerful. Like Morrigan I was a walking Phantom Queen – a seer of death – predicting the unstable moods of the adults around me – feeling their trauma energies within me – choosing to harness and transmute them, rather than store them. I was making a sovereign choice. I was walking amongst the joylessness in her embodied form, and I was surviving, thriving even.
She saved my life.
Her mentorship in adulthood has supported me to develop a more sophisticated relationship with darkness, death and war – both inside and outside of me. I have noticed on many occasions that I am most comfortable in the underworld. It is a well-known place, familiar and feels safe even. I know the terrain and can navigate with my eyes shut, following an internal compass. Training as a shamanic practitioner explicitly demonstrated to me that Morrigan had activated my inner Shaman in my teenage years and that I was already skilled at shamanic journeying with her. My Shamanic Trainer called me a Spiritual Warrior and offered me the gift of black obsidian as my initiatory stone.
This obviously became exhausting.
Morrigan has shown me since that training, as I move through perimenopause, that my courage, bravery, and resilience are potent, developed and mature.
I am metamorphosising again into Crone Morrigan – the Badb – self-sufficient, highly vocal Crow.
I have a lot to say.
I don’t need to be only phantom or be invisible. She has also shown that I can rest now, integrate, and sit on the throne of my sovereignty in peace. I have survived, protected my loved ones and thrived.
(To be continued)