In the mid-80s, in San Francisco, I was having roommate problems. I don’t remember what sparked the issues, exactly, and I’m not sure I ever knew. The only thing clear was that my roommate hated my guts, in an obvious, vocal way, punctuated by all kinds of petty behaviors. Moving out was an option, of course, but even back then rents in the Bay Area were high and good roommate situations difficult to find. Besides, before moving in with her, this woman had been a friend. My first instinct was to try to improve the relationship.
When my attempts at reconciliation failed, I went to one of the neighborhood botanicas and explained the situation. The woman in the shop said I needed a “friendship spell” and sold me a pink candle dressed with rose oil. I followed the woman’s instructions carefully, and as the candle burned the loving vibration was palpable. The response was dramatic.
My roommate shifted from disliking me intensely to engaging in a full blown persecution. She began disparaging me to others, even saying things about me that were untrue – although who knows how connected to reality she was in her constant state of dudgeon. She went from constant criticism to silent nasty looks that oozed contempt. After I announced my intention to move, she began throwing away things of mine that occupied common areas. They were inconsequential things, I admit, but it’s the thought that counts.
My friends had the theory that the roommate wanted to scapegoat me, and she resented that I was giving her no ammunition. Worse, I had messed up her program by bringing love energy into the house, and it was taking more out of her to maintain hostility. I bought this theory at the time, and I still don’t think it’s wrong, exactly, but I have another perspective. I think energy is energy, and while it takes concerted will and perservation to turn loving energy into hateful action, if a person is determined enough, it can be done. I think she was taking the friendship energy from the spell and using it to fuel her own sick agenda.
There’s another explanation for the explosive change in the household environment. The spell, from her perspective, was a violation. After all, I was the one who wanted harmony and love, and I had just assumed that she did, too. I did not have her permission to change the situation. Was I coercing equality and peace onto a person who wanted domination and control, with yours truly as the controllee? There are some who would say the spell was not “karmically balanced.”
There is still another explanation. The spell was working on me, and I was becoming more loving and respectful toward myself. It never occurred to me that I had been placating her, like a dog exposing its belly to signify submission, but it’s possible that I was. Reclaiming dignity is a sure way to set an abuser off on a path of rage.
None of these explanations are mutually exclusive; they may all have been true to some extent. Whatever the reason for the way that spell explosively backfired, it wasn’t the correct response to a situation where one party was not committed to reconciliation, harmony, and respect. What I needed in that time and place was protective, defensive magic.
I want, in future articles, to write more about protective magic for women, because we often find ourselves in situations where, whatever our part in building the poor dynamics, working on ourselves cannot change anything because the other party does not want change. Abuse can come from incels, men’s rights activists, trans rights activists, so-called feminist activists, bullying employers, or male family violence. What abusers have in common is a disinclination to change abusive behaviors.
We can go to therapy, learn to recognize abusers, learn the ways we ourselves sabotage relationships, begin taking responsibility for our own addictions, codependent behaviors, and boundary violations – but at the end of the day, this can only have partial success in improving outcomes when the other side isn’t playing. These are not scenarios that call for “sending love energy.” At least not initially.
One surprising outcome of the “friendship spell” was that I did not carry resentment toward my abusive roommate for long. Today, I recognize her behavior as wrong, and I regret being the target of it, and I can’t exactly say that I wish her well, but I wish her no ill. Mostly, I feel grateful for what the experience taught me about how magical energies work.
In my next essay, I will expland on the issues described here through the old Sumerian myth of Gilgamesh and Huwawa. An image of Huwawa was used in Mesopotamia for protection. A version of the myth is contained in the Epic of Gilgamesh, but I think the older tale deserves scrutiny in its own right.